Young, Wild, and Anxious

An underlying theme that really causes my anxiety levels to spike is a lack of control.

Aaaaand there are plenty of things that I cannot control. Other people’s reactions, the weather, the writing choices in the final season of Game of Thrones. But there are plenty of things I can control, one of them being my own gosh darn choices.

Something that helps me control this need for control, is having a good ole’ fashioned routine. Same thing day in, day out, that is completely in my power. This way, if everything else completely falls apart I can at least give myself the illusion of order to make myself feel better. This is also why I am obsessed with planners and color coding things. And writing things on my To Do list that I have already done, just so I can get the euphoria of checking them off.

However, sometimes the good ole’ fashioned routine does not go as planned. What I imagine in my head and what actually happens do not always line up. Allow me to elaborate.

Sarah’s Good Ole’ Fashioned Morning Routine: 

Expectations: 5:45 AM

Alarm goes off. I do not push snooze. I slept peacefully for exactly 8 hours, therefore, no snoozing required. I wake up rested and absolutely glowing. I am the Goddess of Glow. I am a walking specimen of rest, relaxation, and positivity. I whistle my way towards the bathroom. I can’t wait to see what the day has in store for me!

Reality: 5:45 AM

Alarm goes off. I accidentally hit snooze 10 times in a row. I wake up in a panic screaming SHIT, SHIT, SHIT as I run towards the bathroom. I stub my toe on the way. I probably cry a little. I don’t know how to whistle.

Expectations: 6:00-6:15 AM

I prepared the coffee last night because I’m so good at my routine. I enjoy the cup of coffee on my deck as I journal about everything I am grateful for in my life. The birds are singing. I am singing. My husband comes out to give me a kiss and says, “Wow, Sarah you are absolutely glowing. What a lucky husband I am.” I giggle and say, “I know.”

Reality: 6:30-6:35 AM

I angrily scoop the stupid coffee into the stupid filter and fill it with the stupid water. The stupid water gets everywhere because I am not being careful. Because stupid me was too tired to do this stupid shit last night. I pace back and forth in the kitchen while it brews. My heart is beating very fast. I am mad. I journal for exactly 30 seconds about how mad I am. My husband is sleeping peacefully.

Expectations: 6:15-6:25 AM

I meditate for exactly ten minutes. My mind is clear and my heart is full of love and light. I feel refreshed and zen. I am so zen. I am so present. I am so aware. Namaste. 

Reality: 6:35—6:36 AM

I decide I have time to meditate for exactly two minutes. I don’t.

Expectations: 6:25–6:35 AM

I put on my perfectly coordinated gym clothes that I laid out for myself the night before. I brush my teeth for the exact 2 minutes as recommended by dental professionals everywhere. I french braid my insanely soft hair. My headphones are charged. I kiss my husband goodbye. He tells me I am the epitome of beauty and grace. I get to the gym at 6:45, exactly as I intended to. The front desk guy gives me a high five and comments on my glow.

Reality: 6:45-7:00 AM

My laundry is all over my bed. It takes me ten minutes to find the sports bra I want to wear. I have no clean or matching socks. My headphones are almost dead. I put a hat on because I haven’t washed my hair in 4 days. I say bye to my husband. He musters up the strength for an “I love you” because he is still asleep. I get to the gym 20 minutes later than I intended to. The front desk guy doesn’t look up from his phone.

Expectations: 6:45-8:15 AM

I have a proper warmup. It’s Leg Day. I squat, I lunge, I hip thrust. I have perfect form. My butt is incredible. I am so mindful and aware of my body. I concentrate on breathing through everything I do. I do exactly 30 minutes of cardio as recommended by doctors everywhere. I sweat in a sexy way. I take fifteen minutes to stretch out all of my muscles to avoid the stiffness. People whisper, “how does she do it?” The front desk guy high fives me again, on my way out.

Reality: 7:05—8:25 AM

It takes me 20 minutes to drive 1.5 miles because merging is hard for humans. I warmup for exactly 2 minutes. My muscles do not feel good. It’s Leg Day. I squat, I hip thrust, I don’t do lunges because I hate them. My butt looks exactly the same as it always does.  My headphones just died. I hold my breath through the entire thing. I sweat in an excessive way. I don’t have time for cardio. I still stretch though. The front desk guy doesn’t look up from his phone on my way out.

Expectations: 8:25—9:40 AM

I give myself exactly enough time to shower, put on makeup, dry and curl my hair, put on my perfectly thought-out outfit that I picked the night before. I throw on a motivating podcast because life is about growth and bettering ourselves and our communities. I eat a balanced breakfast. Sometimes I let myself be a little bit bad so I have another cup of coffee. I am feeling so abundantly grateful today, that I decide to do  round 2 of gratitude journaling. I pack a healthy lunch. I give myself just the right amount of time to leave to go to work. The neighbors notice my glow. There is a little traffic, but I planned for it, of course.

Reality: 8:40—9:40 AM

I shower very fast. I don’t have time to wash my hair. (Day 5 and getting greasier!) I skip makeup. All of my four outfits I wear are dirty. I put my hair in a ridiculously tangled bun on top of my head. There are no other options. I listen to a podcast about murder. I eat in 1 minute while standing up. I have 4 more cups of coffee. It takes me ten minutes to get to work on time. I give myself 3. I left my lunch on the counter. I am about to poo myself because of the 4 cups of coffee. There is so much traffic. I tried to plan for this.

Focus on what you can control, let go of what you can’t. Laugh at all the madness that happens in between.

You are the Goddess of Glow.